Yesterday I caught myself toasting my third bagel, which I then lathered with an excessive amount of cream cheese and consumed in a record breaking two minutes. Although I am not extremely weight conscious, I knew this went beyond my general love for deli bagels. Typically, only two causes root this imperative need for four sesame bagels: AP Exams and boys. I ruled out the exams because I had just completed my fourth final and equally irrelevant test the previous week. That meant the only cause left would have to be boys, or rather a lack of them.
Staying up until three a.m. to learn about Modern Art for Art History or staying in on weekends to make some summer-themed collages may have contributed to the lack of movement in my bleak love life. Nevertheless, it seems weird to be so focused on boys, especially because the previous weeks had been so consumed with the studying and stress associated with exams and eleventh grade. Wanting to get a guy's attention or simply a smile from a stranger, evident in my carb consumption, seemed to have become a recent interest. Although present occasionally in my daily routine, the love of being single and attempting to be independent (and failing on multiple occasions) seems to consume the same aspects of my life equally, if not more.
Although finding pride in gaining independence and power as a woman motivates and empowers me, it seems inevitable to want some attention. I associate myself as a feminist and possess feminist beliefs, yet feel devastated when a boy does not return the same romantic feelings towards me. It's an uncomfortable paradox that seems to taunt high school and several girls I know. We stand up for the rights of women, but still desire and need validation from men or perhaps feel less worthy when we have to go to a school dance with friends instead of a date for the eighth time.
This desire for a love interest sometimes seems to connect back to my fashion choices. Although I do not think my fashion choices necessarily dictate my love life, it wouldn't hurt if I chose to wear pieces that may be more appealing to men. I think I understood the concept of 'repelling' boys/men when I first read Man Repeller a couple years ago, one of my favorite blogs that speaks about numerous topics such as fashion and culture. It was there that I connected my flared jeans and high necked blouses with the absence of romance.
However, as I grew older I began to separate those two ideas and loosen the connection between clothing and boyfriends. Similar to many people I know who love fashion, nothing stops the desire or purchase of wacky, man-repelling items. It really does not matter what boys or one's peers think about fashion choices because it is shared by a group of passionate individuals and functions as a platform for individual expression.